We celebrated the next day, Oct. 3, a Saturday. Martha arranged it, and gave a very nice speech. Then Jay pulled out his haikus. I hope to post the video on YouTube, but I’m also going to try to recreate some of his commentary, aside from the actual haikus themselves. Where I don’t have commentary it’s because I don’t remember.

This first one is very familiar to the three of us, me and Chip and Jay, who grew up watching football with Dad.

Grass is greener
Things not great on the field
What the heck is goin on?
Put in that freshman.

Unholy Thing
Dad drinks his vodka
he likes it mixed with milk. Yuk.
I want to throw up.

Everybody in our family knows that dad has always liked his licorice more than any other sweets. Not unlike me. Here’s Jay’s tribute:

Black Goddess

Dad turning ninety!
Think of all the licorice
This man has eaten.

Good, True, and Beautiful

He comes from the Church
Virgin Mary watches him
St. Michael protects

His Lucky Day

After tragic loss
He sure did strike it lucky
When he found liz

First, we learned that wonderful Irish grandfather Jack O’Neill was actually mom’s stepfather, not real DNA for us. At least we were 100% Irish on Dad’s side — until the discovery, 10 or so years ago, that the Dudley in dad’s background was actually Dudelein, and we was French

Le Crushing Truth (Family Tree Shockeroo!)

Presumed all Irish
Til shocking revelation
Dudley’s Dudler

Jay pointed out how quick dad was to warn us about “ballooning up” and other familiar “don’t get fat” phrases. And that he had eaten 39 its-it (an ice cream treat popular in the San Francisco area) in a single weekend.

Dad’s World Record

Ya gotta, gotta
push yourself away from that
thirty ninth It’s it.

It turned out later that Uncle Cal had secretly bought a ping pong table and had been practicing for months when he, with pretended nonchalance, challenged dad to ping pong.

Ping Pong Apocalypse
Uncle Cal ready.
Dad plays with gin on table.
Dad whips Cal’s butt bad.

Jay wasn’t sure this actually happened and suggested he dreamt it because of something that had been said. Martha thought it did in fact happen (he is an ophthalmologist).

Weird Day Job
He removes eye balls,
Brings them home to show his kids.
They gleam on the shelf.

Controversy broke out in the neighborhood as the Knights planted trees that threatened the view. There was a discussion but Mr. Knight was unmoved and unsympathetic.

Bad Night for Mr. Knight
Tiptoe to Knight’s yard
One strange and moonless evening;
Too bad for that tree.

For many years in a row, Gram sent dad balloon seat pajamas for Christmas. We all laughed.

The Gift She Keeps on Giving
Each Berry Christmas,
The gift of hysteria,
Balloon Seat Classic.

Mushy But True
Language is useless.
Words don’t capture the feeling.
We love Dad so much.

1. Goals – both parties have similar short term and long term goals. This is important because once everything is on the table, a new level of comfort and stability come into the relationship.

2. Monogamy – both parties both want to be in a monogamous relationship. This? Is key.

3. Trust – when a high level of trust is formed, it knocks out negatives such as jealousy and feelings of disloyalty (paranoia).

4. Drive – it is imperative that both parties in a relationship have the drive to make the relationship work. One careless partner can destroy the relationship.

5. Common Interests – sure, opposites attract, but it’s always a plus to have something in common. Doing things together does more for your relationship than you think. It’s like glue.

6. Chemistry – yes, this has to do with being attracted to one another and wanting to make out with each other on a healthy basis.

7. Compatibility – this has more to do with the interlocking of two people’s personalities. Someone who is aggressive, loud, and outgoing will work best with someone who compliments those attributes. Personalities should be complementing not overshadowing.

8. Family Values – a couple that has similar family values will find life (and holidays) together easier. This has less to do with religion or culture – but more to do with how close each other is to their family and if each person is a “family person.”

9. Communication – this is also key to a happy, healthy relationship. Learning to talk with each other (not TO each other) is an art really.

10. Fighting fair – every couple is going to fight. Learning to fight fair is essential. Less yelling, more getting to the point – there is no “winner” and there is always a kiss before bed.

And another thing. Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is.

Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body.

No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being “in love”, which any fool can do.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

But sometimes the petals fall away and the roots have not entwined. Imagine giving up your home and your people, only to discover after six months, a year, three years, that the trees have had no roots and have fallen over. Imagine the desolation. Imagine the imprisonment.

That’s from the 1995 novel Corelli’s Mandolin, by Louis de Bernières. I heard it first as delivered by a father to his grown-up daughter in Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, a 2001 movie starring Nicholas Cage and Penelope Cruz.